


Self-Doubt

by necromancy_enthusiast



Series: Necromancy's Custom MU Kaede [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Nohr | Conquest Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-07 15:10:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7719592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necromancy_enthusiast/pseuds/necromancy_enthusiast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hindsight is 20/20, and sometimes she wonders if there's more she could have done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self-Doubt

“Benny...I'm not the woman you fell in love with.” Benny didn't know what to say. His wife, Kaede, princess of Nohr, stood in front of him, her gaze glued to the floor as she anxiously wrung her hands. It had only been a day since King Garon had been defeated, and everyone was elated, but still exhausted. Kaede had spent a lot of time in the limelight while Benny quietly supported her from the sidelines. She deserved it after everything she had been through, from invading her own motherland, being branded a traitor by her blood siblings and people, and watching two of her brothers die in front of her eyes. She hadn't exactly had as much time to rest and gather her thoughts as most of the others.

“What do you mean?” he asked thoughtfully. She sighed heavily, refusing to meet his gaze.

“I just...When we met in Cheve, I was still very naive. I thought maybe I could reason with King Garon...That I could talk my way out of all this. Then Azura and I learned how father had changed and I had to do anything to earn his trust...But...” she paused, as though she wasn't really sure how to phrase what she was going to say next. “I don't know how much of it was an act anymore.”

“I think what happened changed all of us, Kaede.”

“I just...Don't know. I don't feel the same anymore. I'm so tired...I don't even really feel happy despite everything we achieved. We lost so much along the way...Was it...Did I really make the right choices?”

“It's hard to say. Can there even be a 'right' choice in situations like this?”

“Maybe not. But...I find myself wondering about so many things...What if I had sided with Hoshido instead? Would there have been less bloodshed?”

“I don't think so.”

“...You're probably right. But I still can't help but wonder…”

“Do you regret the decisions you made?” Benny asked. At this, Kaede paused briefly.

“No, not per se. I suppose...I regret the negative effects they had more than anything.”

“Bad things would have happened no matter what you did. None of this was your fault.”

“I know that, but in my heart I just...I feel like I could have done more. If I had really tried, maybe I could have at least saved Ryoma...” at the mention of his name, tears welled in Kaede's eyes. “Oh Benny, I wish you could have met him. I wish I could have gotten to know him better, he was amazing.”

“I'm sure he was.”

“Why...Why did it have to come to this? Why did he...Why did he sacrifice himself for me? Why?!” she cried out, burying her face in her hands. Benny sighed heavily and wrapped his arms around his wife. How he wished he could take away her pain at that moment, or at least somehow lighten her burden. But he couldn't. All he could do was support her, like he always had.

“Because he loved you. He wanted to protect you and trusted you.”

“But...I had betrayed him! I betrayed our homeland, our family…!”

“You did what you had to.”

“Why...Why did Iago and Hans and Garon have to show up! There could have been a way, even if...Even if they came a bit later, I could have...” she paused momentarily, her quiet sobs the only sound permeating the room. “Iago and Hans...I...I enjoyed getting revenge on them.”

“They deserved it.” Benny offered.

“Yes, but!...” she said, gesturing in an attempt to get her feelings across more efficiently. “I've never felt that kind of bloodlust...It was scary...Like I had lost myself.”

“It happens to everyone who fights like we do. But we'll never have to fight like that again, thanks to you.”

“But at what cost? Who am I, anymore?” she said, tears falling unrestrained. Benny bent down so he could look her in the eyes on her level. She didn't even come up to his shoulders, so he ended up getting down on one knee. She finally looked him in the eyes for the first time since the conversation had started.

“I know who you are. You're Kaede. You're one of the leaders of this army, and an incredible swordswoman. You're kind and caring and brave and strong, and you're the woman I asked to marry me. You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with,” he said, gently holding both of her petite hands in his own.

“Benny...”

“I think...You need some time away from this mess.”

“What do you mean?”

“You need a vacation. Probably more than anyone in this army.”

“I...I suppose...Maybe after everything gets cleaned up...”

“You and me, we can go somewhere far away from all this, if you want. Anywhere is fine.”

“...Even if I wanted to go to a dark creepy cave?” she smiled a bit. Benny chuckled and kissed her on the forehead, glad that some of the light had returned to her eyes.

“Even there.” he promised, wiping away a tear from her cheek.

“...Benny?”

“Yes, Kaede?”

“I can think of at least one completely positive result of me siding with Nohr.”

“What's that?”

“I got to meet you. I might not have if I'd stayed in Hoshido.”

“In that case, I'm glad you sided with Nohr, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the 3rd time I've had to post this because it wouldn't show up in any of the tags...Oh well.


End file.
